Self Reflection

WARNING: Deep thoughts. Reader’s discretion advised!

Who Am I, really.
That is a very ambitious question.
Really, who am I?

I don’t suppose everyone else knows me enough to have that confident to attempt the very ambitious question above. I don’t suppose further my parents knows me more than I do know myself but I do not disregard their attempts and efforts not only to answer that question for me, but has also, in a way or another, redefine the question to “Is this who you really are?”, “Should you be… a little more of…?” They are nice people. All parents are nice people.

Somehow I do believe what I am today is partly influenced by people whom I met, interacted, known, mingled with, and not forgetting those whom I’ve grown up with. Perhaps it is necessarily sufficient to say “This is what I am today”. As for the other half part, could it be innately inherited at birth and has carried through up to today and till I breathe my last? This latter part, I think, is not as important as the former in terms of “Who and what I will become”.

At times, I want to be funny. When I think about that, I realize I am funny but only to a certain group of people who perhaps almost share similar personalities, thoughts, beliefs, and outlook in life. It would take much more efforts to be “the funny guy” that entertains the public; that is too much to ask of myself and, of course, I couldn’t do it because the former part of what I believe in do not consist of funny people. It would be ideally best if I am, though. Reflecting back, for the most part of my life I have been with serious and determined people, not limited to both my old folks only but friends as well. Perhaps I have chosen them and that, they are my choice. But, I would like to ask myself, “Why have I chosen these types of people for myself?” I believe one of my feet has set on a “Determination & Responsible” foundation, which is firm and stable, uncompromising, and solid and the other foot is still looking for a foundation to set on. Maybe I am really afraid to lose focus in life’s important things when I have to select on another foundation to set on for the other foot. I’m too serious, too afraid that I’d set on the wrong foundation. As I question myself where should I set this other foot on, I am actually still on a quest to find out “Who I really am”

“Be yourself!”
If I’m not being myself at this moment, I wouldn’t have written this thought-provoking reflection on myself, now would I? Should both feet be on a foundation and not stagger on one leaving the other undecided? I really do want to set the other foot down and proudly brag to myself “This is me! This is who I really am”. Some time ago, I did just that thinking I have built a monument of myself placed in city centre and everybody knows my history and who I really am. I did a biggest mistake in my life with most regrets. That stone I set on were of thorns and traps that scarred even my very heart. Bad stone! Still staggering on one feet, should I keep this way forever? Most of the time I’d find myself stepping on the stones of others temporarily as one would use one’s feet to dip into the water to check if the temperature is right before one submerge into it comfortably. Pirates and robbers are in the waters carrying on their daily plunders and vandalizing whatever obstacles in their paths. I must find a good stone to set on before I go down; before I lose my identity; before I lose myself. I know I am on my own as nobody can instruct me where I must set the other foot on. Then again, the old adage that goes “Once beaten, twice shy” keeps beaconing in my mind so that I’d be more careful. I really think I have only, so far, one foot down.
“I want to be somebody else whom people admire. I want to be…”
There’s nobody I can be right now but myself mentioned above. This is how I’d console myself when my mind starts getting envious of people and things that I do not already have. Is life, then, fair in this way? But I know people who have really struggled and tried to be somebody else…however, I am unsure of them whether or not they got disappointed and suffered chronic depression that entails the “wanna-be” disorder.

Should there one day be no one who can appreciate who I really am, even with a foot not set on a stone yet, then either I should hasten to set the other foot on something somewhere or wish to be lift off of any stones and disappear. Am I worried about how soon I should place my other foot on? Frankly speaking, no, because I am happy the way I am right now and there are still years ahead of me to decide where and on what kind of stones I set my other feet on.

On to another issue about being a spoilt kid that I think I am not but do have a tendency to be one. There is, I believe, [a] precondition[s] to be a spoilt kid. Maybe I can say that I am thankful that both my old folks have not spoilt me in many ways society deemed unacceptable especially when I compare myself to Michelle ZJ, BW, WSZ, TT, and the lot. But how could I compare them, who are my counterpart females at large, with myself? ZJ, who is an extremely sensitive person, labeled me “重色轻友” because of a misunderstanding over last Christmas. Looks like there’s not much I can do about our friendship. She has to deal this problem and unfortunately, she has dealt with it the most childish way I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I don’t care simply because I don’t owe her any apologies as I am not to be blamed, but that’s just her. I really don’t understand, sometimes, why girls allow emotions to take control over their minds. Things will all go wrong doing that. And sadly, (again, hate generalization but have to say this), when girls let their mind take control of their emotions, things go wrong too. Arrgh!!

By the way, “重色轻友” (zhong4 se4 qing1 you3) literal translation would be "biasness/heaviness on colors/lusts, light-hearted on friendship"
Explanation: One who places importance on [beauty] lustrous desires particularly in the wo/man s/he finds favor in, and when that is true, s/he inadvertently abandons his/her friends and doesn't think much of them.

大家都知道我原来喜欢的人就是黄斐。那么，ZJ 怎么可能责备我重色轻友？ 她误会了我；误会了我所有的意图所以有今天的结果。看起来，我已经不是她的朋友了。这一个友谊不知道是否还可救回来。我不觉得有希望。我也不会在乎这一个那么铭感而想不开的人。我很想对她说：改变别人，不如先改变自己 吧。