Anger

Most of my life, if not all, I see myself sitting on anger rather than the reverse. Maybe it is too late to appreciate what a small dosage of anger can do to one's life. Maybe it is not too late. Anger was never part of me when I was growing up and it carried through till this day.

When I come home from school with my grades to present to my parents, I only feel extremely embarrassed at how badly I did. The next year it was the same embarrassment that sat on my head even after my mother would sound at me. I failed a few classes and did badly during high school years. I was never the top student. I only feel embarrassed at myself. I was told to do better next time as they (my parents) will hope for the best of me. Most of the time they were quite lenient but sometimes I did get some lashes from either of them. It could have been their leniency that I have learnt to adopt and made it the maxim of my life that my outlook towards life has always been that of mediocrity or average inclination or not highly driven for excellence. Never was there once I felt really angry at myself apart from feeling embarrassed. However, I now believe the combination of those two elements can be a life changing catalyst or a turning point in one's life, hopefully for the better.

It's totally alright to console yourself to do better next time if you did not this time. But with anger, something that is so emotionally powerful, as a driving force for determination and motivation perhaps one can be more reassured that s/he will do better. A bull pulling a plow to plough the fields for the farmer will only plough further as the farmer continually whips it. Each lash causes pain and other emotions. The bull will soon know that as long as it keeps at it constantly it will not be whipped. OR, the farmer pushing the plow to plough his land. The plow, to me, are the determination and motivation elements because they 'do' things or can get things done. The driving force is actually the farmer himself who will push with all his might and strength and probably a small dosage of anger when he knows he has to finish the job before the rain comes.

I have never felt so angry at myself for already 3 days, and worsened by yesterday's foolish act in the lecture theater. //*just got a call from her, she said she just talked to one of her friend (Torstein) and have wants to talk with me*// I had a long talk/discussion with her last night and I just could no longer utter out any more words after she made me realize about my own life. Even though both of us have a share of guilts, I'm only interested on my half as I am always in the process of seeking my own soul.

All these years I thought I am an experienced [life] problems-solver. For those that I thought I have solved only turned out or appeared to me as being left ignored because I was too busy consoling myself that 'everything will be okay'. Now, it is more like "here is your problem (piece of shit), deal with it... and DON'T leave until it's clean". Angry. Desperate to get out of "this shit". Trapped. Shackled. In the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" (one of the greatest movie of our time), those in desperate need will do anything to get it. It took him 16 years to escape from the highest security level prison by digging a tunnel from his prison wall big enough to fit him and crawled through a fouled-smelling sewerage pipe the length of 4 football fields full of human wastes. Sheer desperation and anger of not wanting to live in the prison for the rest of his life as he was convicted by mistake and had no chance for another trial.

For that, I am ready to discard my old self and adopt something new in which I will find useful in my life. I am not advocating anger nor am I strongly opposing although I do recognise anger is a negative emotion. To know happiness is to know pain. Similarly, to appreciate the quality of calmness in life is NOT to ignore it's opposing force, which is this element of Anger. There will, however, still exist some leniency in my blood as that is my inheritance from my family. I still lead a peaceful life. Some things are not meant to be taken lightly. Some things or person... like me.

I give myself a toast to a better man in a better future.