A Painful Happiness

When I look at HF I see an extremely fragile person as though casted with brittle glass. The glass is of finest quality and is indeed itself a self-explanatory beauty and carries a high aesthetic value. Her emotions are, at large, confined therein. What I did not realize was that the glass is permeable to her emotions leaving a little cracks for every permeated emotional element.

Naturally, I am not an angry person, nor a confused person. I did not know that I could be angered until last evening, where I pushed her away and she fell sitting on the ground. She has already lost her balance from drinking too much earlier. What I did was so beastly that I could not believe at what I just did. I may have just heard her glassed body just smashed into smitherins including her heart.

The entire drama should not have happened and could have been avoided if and only if she had been more rational, lenient, and wise even if it takes to straighten me up. I asked a dumb question when she was already mid-high on liquor (I was also mid-high), and she got all pissed then accussing me of not keeping my promise and that I'm not a man. She could have reminded me politely of what I said earlier and we'd be saved from all the unnecessary commotions, arguments, and psychological games, which was the primary reason that drove me into confusion and anger. The reason that I was confused was she wanted to "end it now" and was so adamant about it BUT she was drunk so I didn't think they were meaningful & sober words. But again, she was always willing to approach me, then intentionally leave me feeling despair of getting her back into one piece.

I witnessed the most disgusting thing she did in retribution to me hurting her by a dumb question, in which she thinks I have committed a massive crime of trust and hence, I have 'destroyed' her trust in me completely. Even so, I was a beast to have pushed her away and she fell, and have obviously exacerbated further the situation.
I know my mother would have been very, very mad at me for I have hurt a girl/lady with my hands. I hate myself for doing that. I don't want to live in my humulity that I have committed such beastly acts. Even if I try to console myself that such beastly act was born of alcoholic influences that may have played or taken control of very emotions and made worse by unsuccessful attempts to calm the already angered/pissed off girl over trivial issue, I have pushed and hurt her, and that is totally unacceptable to me. In reality is that there is nothing I can do to undo because it happened. Her reality is that I beat her up and I am "NOT A MAN".

Sometimes, really, I do think there's a problem with me being too nice that I allow another to 'climb on my head'. Shouldn't the person who climbs on my head knows there's a limit as to how far and/or deep s/he can climb?

God!!
She's twenty four and so I'd hope and pray so much she behaves like a twenty four or more maturely.
To ask a dumb question is not tantamount to breaking a promise, therefore, is not a crime.
To thinking emotionally has potential to create chaos and is therefore a crime... simply because it is against human's nature to create chaos.

God!

Days and nights before last evening has always been sweet and memorable considering the time of being together. Being with her or together is happy but far from that perfect happiness. It's like, when she does not find faults in me she puts me in "heaven", and when she does, I am literally going through "hell". This is what I meant by a painful happiness.

Perhaps this will be the last episode between HF and me. I hope not.