Heartaches

As soon as I arrived campus this morning, I began to feel very uneasy and uncomfortable on my chest area and soon realises I was in fear. It did not take me long to actualise that fear, that felt like as if it was rubbing my soul causing my heart to beat invariably and occassionally fast and slow, was heartaches.

Never have I felt like this before and I am certain of the reason why I feel the way I do even until now. It's aching for someone whom I cannot NOT think of every minute every second of the day.

Just received her text message:

"Do you know that before you did that this afternoon I already realized I did some stupid things that night as well? But what you did just now and all [of] what you said since that night till now including that survey [has] only made me know you as a guy who [is] always try to run away from his fault[s] and his responsibilities. Why [is it] until now [that] you cannot admit you did break your promise no matter with or without alcohol? And you did really pushed me and hurt me. You did and talked a lot only [to] want to make me or maybe yourself believe you yourself did not do anything wrong instead of being bravely to face what you really did and try to help me over my pain. Sigh! Totally disappointed [at] what you did. And also, what you should really care [of] is my feelings and thoughts... not any other ones. do not you?"

Important as she is to me, I have put myself at the front of the till and stammered my way to asked everybody a couple of questions in which I named "a personal survey". When I walked into her lecture (it was after class anyway) I went up to the till and asked everybody a question about whether or not I have broken a promise. I do not wish to elaborate in details on this as I have only embarrassed myself in the pursuit of a desperate need to know to console myself. At the end of my "personal survey" I dashed out of the lecture hall and I did hear some applauses, probably for my guts to walk in there to do a silly survey with at least 50 people as audience.
I did not know she "already realized" what she did as there was no communication between us since that evening. The survey did help to calm my emotions down in one way or another because it turned out that I have broken a promise and that I am guilty even though I just thought of doing "the forbidden" and consequently asked for permission. I admit my guilt.

If one can realize one's own mistake(s) or wrongdoings WITHOUT apologizing to the person s/he offends, then there is really no need for the word "I'm sorry". For the sake of NOT-to-devalue the price and the quality of the phrase that expresses the feelings of regrets, perhaps it is time for me to realize that as an indispensable yet expensive phrase and it's inherent healing & heart-soothing capabilities should be one of life's rarest element.

If there was something to learn from HF, among many other things, would be the abovementioned "value of the phrase 'I'm sorry'". Just admit your mistake and mean it, if you dont then don't even admit.

I have also discovered another part of me, which is largely influenced by Western values. Because there is such Western beliefs or values, there must also be that of Eastern. When there's North, there's south just as East is to West. I am of Eastern origin but have adopted and been cultivated by western beliefs. however, the Eastern part of me is not yet very strong, so, over time I should let this side of me flourish in the name of identity.

I thank my friends who have helped me realise that. I know what I want in life.