Monday, February 28, 2005

Heartaches

As soon as I arrived campus this morning, I began to feel very uneasy and uncomfortable on my chest area and soon realises I was in fear. It did not take me long to actualise that fear, that felt like as if it was rubbing my soul causing my heart to beat invariably and occassionally fast and slow, was heartaches.

Never have I felt like this before and I am certain of the reason why I feel the way I do even until now. It's aching for someone whom I cannot NOT think of every minute every second of the day.

Just received her text message:

    "Do you know that before you did that this afternoon I already realized I did some stupid things that night as well? But what you did just now and all [of] what you said since that night till now including that survey [has] only made me know you as a guy who [is] always try to run away from his fault[s] and his responsibilities. Why [is it] until now [that] you cannot admit you did break your promise no matter with or without alcohol? And you did really pushed me and hurt me. You did and talked a lot only [to] want to make me or maybe yourself believe you yourself did not do anything wrong instead of being bravely to face what you really did and try to help me over my pain. Sigh! Totally disappointed [at] what you did. And also, what you should really care [of] is my feelings and thoughts... not any other ones. do not you?"


Important as she is to me, I have put myself at the front of the till and stammered my way to asked everybody a couple of questions in which I named "a personal survey". When I walked into her lecture (it was after class anyway) I went up to the till and asked everybody a question about whether or not I have broken a promise. I do not wish to elaborate in details on this as I have only embarrassed myself in the pursuit of a desperate need to know to console myself. At the end of my "personal survey" I dashed out of the lecture hall and I did hear some applauses, probably for my guts to walk in there to do a silly survey with at least 50 people as audience.
I did not know she "already realized" what she did as there was no communication between us since that evening. The survey did help to calm my emotions down in one way or another because it turned out that I have broken a promise and that I am guilty even though I just thought of doing "the forbidden" and consequently asked for permission. I admit my guilt.

If one can realize one's own mistake(s) or wrongdoings WITHOUT apologizing to the person s/he offends, then there is really no need for the word "I'm sorry". For the sake of NOT-to-devalue the price and the quality of the phrase that expresses the feelings of regrets, perhaps it is time for me to realize that as an indispensable yet expensive phrase and it's inherent healing & heart-soothing capabilities should be one of life's rarest element.

If there was something to learn from HF, among many other things, would be the abovementioned "value of the phrase 'I'm sorry'". Just admit your mistake and mean it, if you dont then don't even admit.

I have also discovered another part of me, which is largely influenced by Western values. Because there is such Western beliefs or values, there must also be that of Eastern. When there's North, there's south just as East is to West. I am of Eastern origin but have adopted and been cultivated by western beliefs. however, the Eastern part of me is not yet very strong, so, over time I should let this side of me flourish in the name of identity.

I thank my friends who have helped me realise that. I know what I want in life.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

A Painful Happiness

When I look at HF I see an extremely fragile person as though casted with brittle glass. The glass is of finest quality and is indeed itself a self-explanatory beauty and carries a high aesthetic value. Her emotions are, at large, confined therein. What I did not realize was that the glass is permeable to her emotions leaving a little cracks for every permeated emotional element.

Naturally, I am not an angry person, nor a confused person. I did not know that I could be angered until last evening, where I pushed her away and she fell sitting on the ground. She has already lost her balance from drinking too much earlier. What I did was so beastly that I could not believe at what I just did. I may have just heard her glassed body just smashed into smitherins including her heart.

The entire drama should not have happened and could have been avoided if and only if she had been more rational, lenient, and wise even if it takes to straighten me up. I asked a dumb question when she was already mid-high on liquor (I was also mid-high), and she got all pissed then accussing me of not keeping my promise and that I'm not a man. She could have reminded me politely of what I said earlier and we'd be saved from all the unnecessary commotions, arguments, and psychological games, which was the primary reason that drove me into confusion and anger. The reason that I was confused was she wanted to "end it now" and was so adamant about it BUT she was drunk so I didn't think they were meaningful & sober words. But again, she was always willing to approach me, then intentionally leave me feeling despair of getting her back into one piece.

I witnessed the most disgusting thing she did in retribution to me hurting her by a dumb question, in which she thinks I have committed a massive crime of trust and hence, I have 'destroyed' her trust in me completely. Even so, I was a beast to have pushed her away and she fell, and have obviously exacerbated further the situation.
I know my mother would have been very, very mad at me for I have hurt a girl/lady with my hands. I hate myself for doing that. I don't want to live in my humulity that I have committed such beastly acts. Even if I try to console myself that such beastly act was born of alcoholic influences that may have played or taken control of very emotions and made worse by unsuccessful attempts to calm the already angered/pissed off girl over trivial issue, I have pushed and hurt her, and that is totally unacceptable to me. In reality is that there is nothing I can do to undo because it happened. Her reality is that I beat her up and I am "NOT A MAN".

Sometimes, really, I do think there's a problem with me being too nice that I allow another to 'climb on my head'. Shouldn't the person who climbs on my head knows there's a limit as to how far and/or deep s/he can climb?

God!!
She's twenty four and so I'd hope and pray so much she behaves like a twenty four or more maturely.
To ask a dumb question is not tantamount to breaking a promise, therefore, is not a crime.
To thinking emotionally has potential to create chaos and is therefore a crime... simply because it is against human's nature to create chaos.

God!

Days and nights before last evening has always been sweet and memorable considering the time of being together. Being with her or together is happy but far from that perfect happiness. It's like, when she does not find faults in me she puts me in "heaven", and when she does, I am literally going through "hell". This is what I meant by a painful happiness.

Perhaps this will be the last episode between HF and me. I hope not.

Friday, February 25, 2005

This week in photos


Shot by HF: First snowfall and was just outside HF's windows trying the romantic Romeo wanna-be
Photoblogged!!




Shot by unknown: Group photo... with 小新's family in which we created. Had good time building them!
Photoblogged!!




The half erected snowman with carrot nose I built looking towards the horizon of the parkade. It's quite funny as it really resembles that of MSN Messenger's mascot... except its nose.
Photoblogged!!




Shot by Liyat: Look here guys!! I'm trying to look professional here. Heyyy!! Yoouuhooooo....
Photoblogged!!




Shot by HF: You're not as fat and round as me. I look much cuter. Don't come any closer or you'll spoil the picture.
Photoblogged!!




Shot by Patrolling officers: Say "Happy snowman!!" The finished product of after a night's work. HF finally realized her dream of a snowman. That was one of her happiest day.
Photoblogged!!




Shot by WSZ: Snowy snowy day = Happy Happy day!
Photoblogged!!




Shot by me: Ice-skating- tried a few times but she still trembles and falls. My hands were grabbed till they hurt the next day... but they're okay. It was really fun!
Photoblogged!!




Shot by unknown: Ice skating FRIDAY!
Photoblogged!!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Snowy Snowy Day

Last night and until this time, snows and sleets and flurries came from the heavens and remained on the ground for good, which was something we never thought would happen since December.

I was still at University with the initial intention to study/read for Contract class but ended up playing and doing some silly things outside in the warmth of wintry evening of 1 centigrade. I was in my bermudas shorts without my underwear walking outside with my HushPuppies' loafers without socks. Snows gathered up to an inch and half over the period of 2-3 hours of occasional snowy clouds--that it came and went away and came again.

HF, was overly excited and overwhelmed as she has never seen nor experience such spellbounding beautiful phenomena. She's always wanted to build a snowman ever since her arrival but the English weather has disappointed her to almost giving up her hopes of ever seeing fresh snows on the ground and perhaps building and playing with snowman and snows. It is then very apparent to reason out her elations for last evening... and from my point of view, I totally find it absolutely hilarious to see her getting so restless outside. Eventually, we did build up a snowman on a parkade. As usual, I was the one who carved & shaped out everything Mr. Snowman should have as I was the one with experience. (I know, but i have to blow my own trumpet a little as I do take credit for this, hehehe!) The finished product is, apparently, the best looking snowman I've ever built since the last one built with our Mexican and Malaysian friends, which fancies my hat and gloves; Daniela's earrings; Ee Lynn's sun shades; Alex's sweather as Mr. Snowman's scarf, at The Bowl of the University of Saskatchewan last year.

I really thank God for last evening and today. Not that I've never seen it before, but ever since I left the land of "Ice & Rocks" (Cana-duhh), I've been missing cold weathers and snows much. Last evening just brough back some sweet memories with friends over there... and of course, my parents as well, who were there for my convocation--for without them I would not have the opportunity to experience and witness all that I've been through. Thanks Mom & Dad!

再加上 星期天晚上半夜12:30吵大架道4:00。 差一点分手。。。 这一次不过是我唯一最难忘的星期天。有下雪天 is like a necessary miracle 在我(和她)最需要中。

Pictures will be up soon to illustrate.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005


My main course: Lamb steak with a variety of herbs and spices. Verdict? I couldn't get enough of this because it's freakingly delicious... like I fell in love at the same time With Food! Oh Gawd! I would have aleady climaxed when sucking the juices out... of the meat! Posted by Hello


Her main course: Three fishs consist of salmon, trout, and shrimp? Crazily delicious! Posted by Hello


Just after being served our long awaited dinner. Hands in hands for the picture and I think that is a brilliant idea of hers. Everything was truly worthwhile. Posted by Hello


Stole a kiss and got pinched at the bottom of my chin. Sweet shot though... Posted by Hello


Self indulgence... with the mid-dry house red wine. Posted by Hello


The big surprise after a splendid dance with her. Five hearts with one uniquely made... actually there are ten hearts. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

... but the Roses were dead.

On Valentine's Day
the pretty budding roses were crushed dead;
intended to interrupt class today,
walk up the aisle hand her the rose and make her day
unfortunately such desperation there was no aid

Terribly disappointed and end of the world I was thinking
Fortunately Salvo's provided the romantic atmosphere
Food and ambience were smashingly excellent
Received her gift five hearts most unique.

Pictures/Photos of what I'd call my most memorable and best (because it's the first) Valentine's Day dinner/date will be up as soon as they are available to me. I was suited up and dining in that restaurant perhaps has given me the impression that I may be over-dressed. As for her part, she was abso-freaking-lutely smashing and gorgeous. One of the funny part was her having to remind herself to be lady-like, you know, graceful, polite, soft spoken etc. Even I, too, have to remind myself constantly to be that of a gentleman especially when I'm draped a coat and sporting a tie.

Just after we stepped out of the resto, she grabbed my hands and pulled me close to her and gazed into my eyes. In a few moments soon no longer than 20 secs, still gazing into my eyes and her hands gripped mine tighter as the cold winds breezed through us,
"Thank you for the wonderful night and wonderful dinner", she spoke in her most tender and sweet of voices.
Immediately, I couldn't help and I blushed a little as I was speechless because there is almost all certainty that I felt she meant it in every possible way. Remember I was a little disappointed at what happened to my initial plan of interrupting her class and giving her the rose and that the plan didn't work? It was crushed and mashed up because I had it in my backpack and my books were at fault... or was it me? That moment when she spoke, those disappointments just vanished and I have then convinced myself that I have successfully gave us an awesome evening.
"You're very welcomed, and it was my pleasure!", I replied with probably the happiest grin I've never formed. Then,
"I mean, come on... it's Valentine's Day. ...", I continued kiddingly to chill out the already awkward feelings of politeness that intruded my mind.

Hand-in-hand trying to keep each other's hands warm as we walked back. I fooled around a little doing dumb things or trying to be a super hero while she remained quiet probably still enjoying the wonderful night thus far. Then she hugged me and asked me to stop then she said softly, "...you have not had [seen] the best thing yet..."

that was a hint.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Springroll Sunday

Happy Valentine's Day to those who are either currently in a relationship or having a potential with somebody for a relationship.

Like last year, I know how terribly the feeling of loneliness is especially when there is such a special occassion like the Valentine's Day and you've got no date(s). I was gathering up my courage for Samantha but not enough to make a move and I guess that's probably because I'd get cold legs whenever we chat. But that my problem. Anyway, for those of you who are not seeing anybody on this over commercialized day, I think MSN.ca has a lot of interesting articles that might assist in your creativity to either get a date or in finding a remedy for your sorrows.

Looks like I got myself a date with HF and I'm planning to take her out for a dinner tonight at a nearby classy yet decent restaurant in Headingley. No, that place won't blow my budget away. Everything is fine.

As for Lynn, maybe I have gone a little overboard by my insinuations but unless you haven't already noticed, it was really out of good intention. I know, it's difficult to see that but it really is out of that.

I hope my brother can find somebody to share his life with or vice versa to appreciate him. No, I'm not pimping or anything... but come on, there's nothing bad about my ol'bro! Sam, Ayako, Lynn, Sally, Kate, Jill, Andrea, Brenda... hey girls, haven't you girls even have the slightest thought for my brother? Ok, maybe I shouldn't interfere as he believes he will find someone soon on his own. Good luck to my ol'brother! Happy V-day!

Yesterday, HF and I spent the entire afternoon and evening at my flat making springrolls and other yummies. Everything was really, really sweet. It was indeed a very relaxing Sunday. Something interesting happened too and I had to walk to Morrison's to get her a new necessity. Well, that's life. *grins*

Friday, February 11, 2005

Auguries of Innocence

To see the world in a grain of sand,
And a Heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And Eternity in an hour.


Doggerel by William Blake

Thursday, February 10, 2005


::.::HF & DT :.:: Posted by Hello


And the guys:
Myself, Aslak (Norway), Fan (Hangzhou), and Toristen (Norway). Posted by Hello


Fan (Hangzhou, China) & his lady Christine (Hangzhou, China), HF, & Liyat (Ethopia). Fan and Christine prepared this evening's typical Chinese dinner for all of us. They were superbly delicious and every bit of the dishes dished out were licked clean. Kudos! Posted by Hello


Shot by- me:
HF posing for the lens in her Qibao, traditional Chinese costume. Posted by Hello


Aslak (Norway), HF, Toristen (Norway)
At Toristen's having a private party in conjunction with the Chinese New Year, the year of Rooster. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

What lies beneath...

...of this Rooster year as visualized by some sage in Chinese astrologer is as follows:

The Creative Goat - The "Good Samaritan"

Esoteric Goats feel emotionally and physically drained during Rooster years. Despite some family problems, have faith in yourself, persevere, as you are on a course that is destined to succeed.[1] In 2005, your luck recuperates but difficult planetary aspects can cause an abrupt change in mates, living situations or love partners.[2] Also, your career path could also change quite drastically.[3] The climate will be favorable to you as far as artistic expressions are concerned and many Goats will see financial rewards for their creative ideas and handiwork (November).[4] You also benefit from your wise cutting of expenses – a lesson sorely learned from the past. Health wise, caution is advised during low-energy periods of January, May and August to avoid illness and emotional stress. Meditation, calm surroundings and maintaining a spiritual outlook of moderation help greatly this year. March and June will find you prancing about gleefully, as Goat natives are gregarious, social and will feel less withdrawn during these lucky months. Actively seek out the company of others, depend on your creative talents and let your imagination soar to the Heavens now.[5]

[1]- Although I do not admit myself as being that of esoteric nature, I do foresee that this year I will be emotionally and physically drained as I will be struggling to get through my first year in law school. I belong to a set of family that, like others, have problems of its own, however, while with much reverence and understanding I have towards them they should know that I have not forgotten each and every one of them which I am a part of even though we are apart separated by the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, a part of me has not yearned to be in the light of the problems as I have a tendency to subdue my emotions towards them by getting busy with my life. How selfish I am! In due time, I will do what I can... As mentioned above, I have faith in myself to do what I can, should, and would do. What's more convincing is the sentence that follows.

[2]- As of this moment, I do find the beginning of the sentence rather convincing. Luck, the word itself is as mysterious as myths can be, has not many unblessings and as far as I can recall, my last lucky days were in 2002, 2004 April. So, if the abovementioned precursory statements about what lies ahead of me from this day is true, then I have less to worry but nevertheless does that warrants an opportunity to slack off. However, in terms of love and friendship/srelationships, although I admit that I'm out of its troughs, I'm not even at the top of them all nor am I drifting sideways. I am, above all, enjoying the rides on the waves of luck in this area. And relating to reality of the issue, true, the waves can just tumble down without notices and then I'm no longer riding the waves no more. But as of right now, again, I've got everything under control.

[3]- I'm training to become a solicitor and/or advocator from a Business Economist. What do you think? These two are undeniably different branch of disciplines. Amazing!

[4]- Hmm, November of this year, I don't know what I am going to do then but before that come, I already have plans to travel around a bit and shoot some glamor photos of well-endowed lads. Every shot is artistically aesthetic only few knows how to appreciate my kind of art with raging jealousies. On the other part about financial rewards and/or stabilities, I can't be too sure about that but I'm getting a job and that means there will be a flow of stable income in the coming months. Rewarding, isn't it? I'll be shopping for some clothings with the earned income for I did not bring with me many clothes to wear except for a few, now unwearable, underwears.

[5]- Uhmm... aren't goats a wonderful creature? I saw a mountain goat last November in Snowdonia, Wales.

Summary:
Although I am not an avid reader of horoscope nor a fervent believer who relies on what it has/they have to say, there are occassional times, like this, that brings me to it/them to quench my thirst for what lies ahead and beneath in my mysterious yet abstruse future. I can safely suppose that there are quite a number of people out there shares similar opinion with me on this.

Year of the Rooster has henceforth commenced

大家 欢迎光明 到了我的网站我想祝福您:
新年好!
新年快乐!
恭喜发财!
身体健康!
年年有余!
万事如意!
满地黄金!
平安喜乐!
学习成功!


Among Friends Posted by Hello


Posing with Polika, whom met my parents in Malaysia when and talked about Leeds Met Uni's law school (LMU website) while I was still enjoying summer holidays in Canada. Posted by Hello

Thursday, February 03, 2005

性格适合...流星雨

星期二晚上 在她的房间里 谈了好多事情尤其关于我们的事。

“我不觉得时间可以解决我们的事...我看了你的日记...我其中不是你最喜欢的人.”
“你有错了”

听了她看了我的日记我有一点高兴又笑起来了一下因为在她的面前的时候有些话有些事我不太会去表达,所以在日记里我真真下来我一切的心意. 她对我说对不起因为她看了。 ”你看了有多少?”,我好奇的口气去问她with a smile.

“不知道!”

Anyway, long story short, I did use the Apple Analogies below to explain how all people have made second choices in life and have made it as good as if it was the best first choice.

"You know I realize something... that our character/personalities do match.", she struggled with her fears trying to convey this honest truth.

I agreed that our personalities, indeed, do match and mesh together nicely.

Among other things said, 缘分 to which is "... like magic" according to her. Things have been going very naturally even up to today but I never did realize "the magic" until this day when it was brought to my attention, which has surpassed my comprehension but has not exceeded my beliefs.

"The first thing to do when you first get up in morning tomorrow is to look out your window. You will see snow", I said to her on evening of Christmas eve. The next morning, I got a wake up call from her and... she shouted and screamed in excitement "It's snowing! It's snowing! Look outside your window, Dannie!! It's snowing!! Oh, I hope it snows a lot so that I can go outside and play with them, make snowman, have snowball fights...! oh! it's beautiful!! Look!! Are you looking out your window?!"
For one moment, I really thought what I said has magically came true and I was absolutely startled witnessing the event before my eyes. I was totally speechless.

One night in early January, we were talking about stars and the constellations and then on to shooting stars. Not long after, it was a Thursday evening and she was going to a party in Woodhouse, she rang me up. "Dann!! OhmyGod!! Omigod!! I just saw a shooting star!! i cannot believe it, I just saw a shooting star!! I'm here waiting for my bus and then I look up the sky and I saw a shooting star...!
Again, I was totally startled by that.

是缘分吗?
我相信&可以接受缘分。
你呢?

Wednesday, February 02, 2005


at work in work's lime-colored t-shirt. They look pretty cool actually. Posted by Hello

Online on LMU

From now until April, I am working for LMU's Business School as a Student Guide on the University's Open Day. It's only 4 hours a day and once a week, and I get paid £6.69/hr. That's pretty amazing if I was earning in terms of Ringgit per day.

I found myself online on Leeds Metropolitan's Website. Check this out.

Apple Analogies

"the only one or one of the..."
"You have many apples, I'm only one of them..."
"stupid '..'"

were the names appearing on her MSN dropping negative hints. What struck me the most is the second.

[Crab] Apple trees were not few in sight in Saskatoon and when my eyes first spotted an apple tree, my feets were already taking my body to stand under the trees hoping to catch/harvest some good apples. There were more than a handful of rotten apples on the ground left to rot, its striking reddish-orange streaks skins no longer attracts any apple-hungry passerby as they are now dull and all wrinkled up, just waiting to be decomposed and return to nature's cycle of fruit reincarnation (if there is such thing).

No way I'm going to pick any of those apples on the ground to bring home and gather some guts to eat them. Naturally, I threw my head back and began scouting for the one big attractive apple. My search didn't take too long a time.
I had to get that particular one that's hanging out with 3 others.
That one is the biggest and appealed to me most.
That one is 'the' (extra emphasis) unique one.
I had to climb a few branches to shake it off.
I climbed back down with a few bruises on my arms and feet.
I got it. I got my 'unique' one and I'm going to treasure it
Months passed and that apple that sits on my shelves began to show signs of ageing;
It will become like those that were on the ground, the ones I did not even bother considering to take home;
Soon, like the rest of the apples on the ground 9 months ago, my 'unique' apple now looks haggard and wrinkled, weak and unattractive.
But that's the outside or the external look of my 'unique' apple;
But what's important is that even now my 'unique' apple looks dull and unattractive, that apple still gives out its apple scent aroma that never ceased to spice up the air of my room;
That apple-scent came from the inside, from the very heart of it where no eyes can see but only by feeling and smell.
But that's still my 'unique' apple I took home and sustained a few minor bruises;
I kept it for a long time.
I treasured it for as long as I could... just as a person's lifespan is only so much before s/he has to return to the earth with the help of those people whom love(d) him/her.

I have cherished.
I shall not fail to do the same. You are, really, the only apple of my eye. Not just one of them.