Richard Clayderman Live in Leeds

We attended Clayderman's concert yesterday and it turned out to be absolutely breath-taking for the entire part of his performance. I just knew he's French apart from knowing him for many many years already, well, more like knowing his songs more than himself per se.

The concert was held in Leeds Grand Theatre downtown and we got a 12.50 quids ticket but sat on the stage's floor (GBP 24.50) instead of supposedly furthest back from the stage because it's the cheapest ticket. The show was comical in a few parts as he tries to feed his audiences with a couple of dosages of jokes to relax us from thinking that his show is strictly musical and boring. The entire 2 hours performance was, indeed, a phenomena one.

Pictures are coming.

At the Bourbon Bar in the city in conjunction with Liyat's bday. 

A bloody maroon velvet sofa jackpot

Sometime early last week, HF and I talked about getting a sofa and budgetted about 50 quids top. Allders Store, which is currently going through liquidation and hence a change in management, is having its last days of sale of up to 85% is a good place to check out for such furnitures. She checked out and found a one seater sofa that has been reduced from GBP389.00 to GBP50.00 and home delivery only. Good deal but that's not what we're looking for. A two seater one would probably cost double that amount which would have shot past the ceiling of our budget.

We didn't talk about it since.

Last night, while we're on our way to a nearby grocery store (Somerfields) on Shaw Lane, we spotted a 3 seater and 2 seater couches placed around a pile up of garbage bags. It didn't take too long for common sense to walk into our minds interpreting to us that those couches are unwanted. There were people about that house and it seems like they were the ones who put (or should I say dumped) those beautiful wooden couches out there. When asked, one elderly man replied that they were moving house and these, he pointed to the couches and the garbage bags, are the things he's not taking with.

HF and I looked at each other and then looked back at the elderly man and,
"Can we take them home?", we simultaneously asked him. It was funny that we had the same thoughts at the moment.

He utterly agreed by expressing a loud and affirming "sure!"

I felt embarrassed and offered to pay him a few quids for it to reassure.

"Don't bother with that, love" he replied.

HF and I pushed the bloody still wet two seater maroon velvet sofa all the way to home, about 600m and up slope. Tireness and hefty pantings did not stop us at all as we were pushing while feeling a mixture of happiness and humors and laughters. We have truly found what we were looking for--our treasure.

Finally when we've put it in the room, rearranged some of the existing furnitures to accomodate the sofa, dried and cleaned it, etc. we just fell back or rather drop dead on the sofa totally satisfied. Still looking at each other, we laughed about it.

What I meant was...

...although seemingly and truly she live to abide sets of rules and regulations set by herself and probably developed over the years of growing up, her intentions which are oftenly manifested by her actions are undoubtedly and unsuspiciously good. If I admit that there is nothing good about her I am willing to turn myself in to "Life Enforcers" and be convicted for lying and scarring an innocent face and heart bad.

On another matter, I remember some 2 weekends ago I was down with flu. It's not that I was totally helpless (not hopeless) to be poorly sick with such a minor and common flu, but what she did was totally out of my expectation. I had myself a personal nurse working full-time on me. What I mean was that she took care of me for 3-4 days till I was well. I was even happier that her immune system is good that she did not even catch my flu till today.

At this point of my life it all seems that I am not ready for anything big. Well, big as in matters or issues that carry big responsibilities with it like getting married, having a family, be an entrepreneur of my own corporate empire, and the like. These are the things I wish for as well as the dreams I want to see myself accomplish. I had done things rashly before and I have, because of that, forever regretted and have learnt from that mistake. Getting into a relationship and being serious about it is nothing, if not at all, something overly rash about. There are always risks attached to anything we do and getting into a relationship is not excluded from that risk. If ever there is such a risk, I would have known about it and would already have taken steps to minimize that risks so I still maintain my goals. I am, however, a satisficing creature--so are you.

What i meant was, considering the time that past us and the many incidences as well as events and signs, that while all that has happened and until today there are things that remain unexplained, perhaps a mystery, there may be reasons to believe that, if ever "destiny" is true, we were meant to be... found. I am not under any duress or mental or emotional stress to have said such, but am very clear minded. I have thought deeply about all the aforesaid statements and decided to pen them down here. Because you are reading my thoughts on this website, which usually comes uncensored, please do not take offense if I am rebuking/dissenting or assenting to your ideas.

Got a new Cellphone

Sony-Ericsson S700i
Verdict: Absolutely love it!

I have been harping about to get a new phone ever since I arrived primarily to get on a contract phone as opposed to buying credits (Pay As You Go, PAYG) frequently. I have been on PAYG for already half a year and been spending on average about £30 a month with much less minutes. Alas, although I will be paying £35 (plus VAT) I'd get more out of this.

It was a tough decision for me as I have been a loyal Nokia user for past many years. To move to another brand maker like Motorola (initially i was contemplating for a Motorola V3 Razr, the world's slimmest and lightest phone) and Sony-Ericsson was definitely a hard choice to make. The former cellphone (V3) is not recommended to me by my friends saying that it's functionalities and user-friendliness is not as good as the phone(s) they were using previously even though V3 is light and looks very elegant.

You and I

[Post entitled: The value of scarce resource -- deleted]

Although sometimes arbitrary feelings and emotions are not the best to rely on when making important decisions, these invisible soul-filled can be so sentimentally right even though when circumstances seem to be the most awkward and your consciousness and consciences are against you. This is when you would heard "I have a gut feeling on this!" in a movie probably when a person who is trying his/her luck by repeatedly pulling down the lever on the slot machine.

Some time last week (Monday), HF made a statement of fact that she is finding out if she have a chance to be with me. Essentially, I am also doing exactly the same. However, there is a humongous problem of trusts that's hindering us from growing. Right now things seem to be peaceful and okay. But no ships have sailed without going through rough waters and consequently navigate across on calmness, yet what lies ahead, even though on charted waters, is full of uncertainties.

When I said I was also finding out if she is the right partner for me, I also meant to say that I will, with my full interests and efforts, make her mine. This latter part carries a hefty load of responsibilities and difficulities but I am prepared to face them all primarily because, among other things, I am tried of looking. She is the furthest I've looked. I hope my wants and wishes are supported by my family members and relatives and adopt the believe that it is their best interest to see me happy and also trust my discretions, especially to those who know about the two of us.

Suddenly nothing...

Love must kiss that mortal's eyes
Who hopes to see fair Arcady.
No gold can but you entrace there;
But beggared Love may go all bare
No wisdom won with weariness;
But Love goes in with Folly's dress
No fame that wit could ever win;
But only Love may lead Love in.

Henry Cuyler Bunner (1855-1896)

Last night, I totally felt like I was literally living in or passing through hell, if not already put there deliberately.

{...suddenly nothing}*

I don't quite understand the differences between the realm of bf-gf relationship and us being that "special friend". It seems that she is the only one who knows where to draw that crystal clear line that distinguishes the two realms. Because I know I don't. The things that we do, say, talk, speak, feel, etc. are not entirely different to what couples who calls themselves bf-gf would do.

*The rest of the story is ONLY available by request. Email me.

Conviction of my foolishness

What happenned on Monday noon now has a bigger impact on me as people has been spreading "the news". The more I hear about this news the more I begin to feel the gravity of my foolishness of my action and consequently the heavier the feelings of guilt that entails. What I did was really and totally inappropriate. I was all in a state of confusion and did not, as far as I can remember, have a clear mind to reason things out reasonably and was also filled with angry feelings and guilt of being violent towards HF whether or not intentional, therefore, I was unconsciously impelled to protest my own guilts in sheer desperation to exonerate myself from the chaotic thoughts that has apparently dominated my very mind. Even after I have explained why I did it, I still do not think it is sufficient to justify my cause of foolish act. Perhaps no explanations could ever justify. Perhaps it is time that I stay put and solve any problems that comes to me instead of repeatedly running away from them.

Such gravity of guilt is collaterally building me up a new character with new insights that I should have adopted a long time ago but did not evaluate the importance of it. It is really difficult to face the reality of such bitter[-sweet] consequences of my actions although I averred I take all responsibilities of it. I am however, thankful and give credits to my family for establishing in me successfully a firm foundation of 'looking on the bright side' or simply 'optimistic beliefs' in life; for without this establishment I do not think think I could have move on with life, if already impossible, especially with the consideration of the beastly violentful act.

I vowed to myself never ever to do that ever again.

Thoughts of Theodore Roosevelt

It is not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who knowns the great devotion who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the high achievements of triumph; and who at worst, if he fails daring greatly knows his place shall never be with those timid and cold souls who known neither victory nor defeat.

We confronted each other today and discussed a lot of issues...
we are officially kicking-in a relationship. HF is now my girlfriend and I'm her boyfriend. Today marks the first day.

Anger

Most of my life, if not all, I see myself sitting on anger rather than the reverse. Maybe it is too late to appreciate what a small dosage of anger can do to one's life. Maybe it is not too late. Anger was never part of me when I was growing up and it carried through till this day.

When I come home from school with my grades to present to my parents, I only feel extremely embarrassed at how badly I did. The next year it was the same embarrassment that sat on my head even after my mother would sound at me. I failed a few classes and did badly during high school years. I was never the top student. I only feel embarrassed at myself. I was told to do better next time as they (my parents) will hope for the best of me. Most of the time they were quite lenient but sometimes I did get some lashes from either of them. It could have been their leniency that I have learnt to adopt and made it the maxim of my life that my outlook towards life has always been that of mediocrity or average inclination or not highly driven for excellence. Never was there once I felt really angry at myself apart from feeling embarrassed. However, I now believe the combination of those two elements can be a life changing catalyst or a turning point in one's life, hopefully for the better.

It's totally alright to console yourself to do better next time if you did not this time. But with anger, something that is so emotionally powerful, as a driving force for determination and motivation perhaps one can be more reassured that s/he will do better. A bull pulling a plow to plough the fields for the farmer will only plough further as the farmer continually whips it. Each lash causes pain and other emotions. The bull will soon know that as long as it keeps at it constantly it will not be whipped. OR, the farmer pushing the plow to plough his land. The plow, to me, are the determination and motivation elements because they 'do' things or can get things done. The driving force is actually the farmer himself who will push with all his might and strength and probably a small dosage of anger when he knows he has to finish the job before the rain comes.

I have never felt so angry at myself for already 3 days, and worsened by yesterday's foolish act in the lecture theater. //*just got a call from her, she said she just talked to one of her friend (Torstein) and have wants to talk with me*// I had a long talk/discussion with her last night and I just could no longer utter out any more words after she made me realize about my own life. Even though both of us have a share of guilts, I'm only interested on my half as I am always in the process of seeking my own soul.

All these years I thought I am an experienced [life] problems-solver. For those that I thought I have solved only turned out or appeared to me as being left ignored because I was too busy consoling myself that 'everything will be okay'. Now, it is more like "here is your problem (piece of shit), deal with it... and DON'T leave until it's clean". Angry. Desperate to get out of "this shit". Trapped. Shackled. In the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" (one of the greatest movie of our time), those in desperate need will do anything to get it. It took him 16 years to escape from the highest security level prison by digging a tunnel from his prison wall big enough to fit him and crawled through a fouled-smelling sewerage pipe the length of 4 football fields full of human wastes. Sheer desperation and anger of not wanting to live in the prison for the rest of his life as he was convicted by mistake and had no chance for another trial.

For that, I am ready to discard my old self and adopt something new in which I will find useful in my life. I am not advocating anger nor am I strongly opposing although I do recognise anger is a negative emotion. To know happiness is to know pain. Similarly, to appreciate the quality of calmness in life is NOT to ignore it's opposing force, which is this element of Anger. There will, however, still exist some leniency in my blood as that is my inheritance from my family. I still lead a peaceful life. Some things are not meant to be taken lightly. Some things or person... like me.

I give myself a toast to a better man in a better future.